Monday, January 26, 2015
5:51pm
What up Kayli? what're you doing? how was your day?
Been thinking bout you.
Nothing new there.
Your mom finally texted me back, she said she knows I meant a lot to you.. made my heart melt. Im glad to know that you told her about me, I felt like you never talked about me, but Im at peace knowing you did.
You would've hated the weather today, it was so freaking cold and windy I couldn't handle myself. I woke up from more dreams, this time you weren't in them. Then Becca and I decided we were going to get our tattoos touched up but lol I ended up getting a whole new one for you.
If you have the chance to pop into my house when I get home to show her I would, lol she's going to be pissed.
Ive been texting Nicole all day, well really all week if were being honest. I adore her. She might be who will fill my heart in your absence. I know that if you loved her I would too. She's very easy to talk too and really sweet and I'm glad we got close under such terrible circumstances. You really changed my life, you know that? Even in your after life I feel like you've taught me more now than ever. Ive become one with my inner thoughts, all the things I used to push off I want to express in some other form of thoughts. Its really nice. Nicole says she sees my writing on instagram and she said it was pretty solid ( not those words but you know).
Im at work and when I got here my boss asked me how I was doing and just more questions about you. I showed him a picture of you and his first words were "oh my god yes she is so pretty" I was like dude I freaking told you. He thinks that its odd that beautiful people have to suffer the most inside.. I obviously agree.
Today I realized that I released my inner Kayli lol. Yesterday I bought just random things, like the lighters and this choker that I'm wearing, because they remind me of you and I want to keep you alive in my life somehow. I want to remember your style and the things you enjoyed while you were still here with us.
The last time I saw you there was this kid that came up to me and I've known him since like 8th grade and you told me he was hot and I should go for him. Well we've been texting ever since that night, its funny because the day before you left my life he asked me to lunch. We never got around to it but thank goodness because it would've been two weeks till he saw me again.
Well when I told him what had happened Tuesday he said he was here and the basic things and he said to text him whenever I was comfortable again. I wasn't comfortable and I probably was never going to be but I decided that I needed to force myself. I was with Haley and I told her that the two things I wasn't ready to text him was because one he was going to ask if I was doing ok and he was going to ask me on a date. Well he decided to both. Surprise right?? Well when he asked me I was going to turn him down just because I'm not ready to have fun, fun isn't fun for me. But when I asked for what he had in mind he said a pizza place on a lake which is freaking perfect. So I said yes even tho I told him I'm not sure when I can because tomorrow is class before I go into training for Ale House. Then Wednesday I train again then school Thursday till your service and then I open Friday&Saturday. OF COURSE right.... Im going to have the puffiest eyes and look like poop on Friday morning, and thats if I get sleep. Ill add a picture of the tattoo. I love you gorgeous. ♡
Been thinking bout you.
Nothing new there.
Your mom finally texted me back, she said she knows I meant a lot to you.. made my heart melt. Im glad to know that you told her about me, I felt like you never talked about me, but Im at peace knowing you did.
You would've hated the weather today, it was so freaking cold and windy I couldn't handle myself. I woke up from more dreams, this time you weren't in them. Then Becca and I decided we were going to get our tattoos touched up but lol I ended up getting a whole new one for you.
If you have the chance to pop into my house when I get home to show her I would, lol she's going to be pissed.
Ive been texting Nicole all day, well really all week if were being honest. I adore her. She might be who will fill my heart in your absence. I know that if you loved her I would too. She's very easy to talk too and really sweet and I'm glad we got close under such terrible circumstances. You really changed my life, you know that? Even in your after life I feel like you've taught me more now than ever. Ive become one with my inner thoughts, all the things I used to push off I want to express in some other form of thoughts. Its really nice. Nicole says she sees my writing on instagram and she said it was pretty solid ( not those words but you know).
Im at work and when I got here my boss asked me how I was doing and just more questions about you. I showed him a picture of you and his first words were "oh my god yes she is so pretty" I was like dude I freaking told you. He thinks that its odd that beautiful people have to suffer the most inside.. I obviously agree.
Today I realized that I released my inner Kayli lol. Yesterday I bought just random things, like the lighters and this choker that I'm wearing, because they remind me of you and I want to keep you alive in my life somehow. I want to remember your style and the things you enjoyed while you were still here with us.
The last time I saw you there was this kid that came up to me and I've known him since like 8th grade and you told me he was hot and I should go for him. Well we've been texting ever since that night, its funny because the day before you left my life he asked me to lunch. We never got around to it but thank goodness because it would've been two weeks till he saw me again.
Well when I told him what had happened Tuesday he said he was here and the basic things and he said to text him whenever I was comfortable again. I wasn't comfortable and I probably was never going to be but I decided that I needed to force myself. I was with Haley and I told her that the two things I wasn't ready to text him was because one he was going to ask if I was doing ok and he was going to ask me on a date. Well he decided to both. Surprise right?? Well when he asked me I was going to turn him down just because I'm not ready to have fun, fun isn't fun for me. But when I asked for what he had in mind he said a pizza place on a lake which is freaking perfect. So I said yes even tho I told him I'm not sure when I can because tomorrow is class before I go into training for Ale House. Then Wednesday I train again then school Thursday till your service and then I open Friday&Saturday. OF COURSE right.... Im going to have the puffiest eyes and look like poop on Friday morning, and thats if I get sleep. Ill add a picture of the tattoo. I love you gorgeous. ♡
 |
-Mads
Sunday, January 25, 2015
11:21 pm
Hello my beautiful angel.
it's been a day to forget, I woke up at 7am then got ready at 8:30 to go my 10am job orientation. I walked in and I brought just my ID. the manager said he needed my birth certificate so I had to drive back home for it. I told him you had my time on Thursday so I couldn't train that day so I open friday and Saturday this week. exciting am I right. well after my orientation i headed to the mall, I found the dress im going to wear to your funeral. when I put it on I started to cry. then I went around the mall buying random shit for maybe two hours before I got the nerve to buy the dress. it's really pretty and I really think you would like, too bad I'll never wear it again & I'll probably never get rid of it. It'll symbolize so much after Thursday that it'll break my heart. Anyway after that I went home to sleep, i got in bed and couldn't lay on my side because I had a huge pain, slept for two hours. Becca brought me Wendy's so I got up and she asked me to come over. I said yes, I can't handle being alone & we went to Walmart, turns out I probably broke my rib by the way things are going. can't bend down can't twist my back/stomach, can't laugh to hard(good thing I haven't been doing very much of that). I found this pack of 4 lighters as I was checking out. I bought them. they reminded me of you...
the little black lighter is my favorite one. Anyway as I was in the car for the ride to beccas I was thinking. long and hard again and realized I'm dead inside. I can't go on much anymore and I can tell I'm changing with this inside of me. I bought things today i wouldn't normally buy and I want to cut my hair much shorter. it's something else now. I can't live on with this, it's killing me and I need to fill this hole. I hope you had a good day, if time is even a concept in heaven. I love you Kayli. and I miss you.
ps I found out nugget really enjoys cheese. he looks so funny eating it.. I wish I could show you and you would laugh with me ☹
if anyone else is reading
If you have come across my words ill explain who I'm speaking too.
This past year i have found my group of people to consider my "best friends". It was haley, kayli, becca. They are my girls who are down for anything, and they always supported me and gave me the best advice and i was myself around them. Plus they're almost the only group of girls that think I'm hilarious. This past week, on the 19th, one of them passed away. I have never lost anyone before so this is all new feelings for me. Kayli was the most amazing girl you could know. She loved to smoke, and if she was in any other state she would've been prescribed it for anxiety, to eat, sleep ect. She was always positive to everyone and just had the prettiest fucking face that you could ever see on someone. She had perfect brown hair that would always be pretty, either in a bun or pinned back. And her make up was always on sight, everyone was obsessed with her eye wings and i don't blame them, they were perfect lol. She was super tiny and was like a baby when around bigger guys. Ive known kayli since my freshman year in high school and I've always unknowly looked up to her. She had light light pink lips and i never found out if thats just how they were of if she used something, idk ill never know, but i went out to the mac makeup store and ended up buying the same color pink in lipstick form.
God forbid i hated it on me and she could pull it off so much better but i carry that memory with me now. We hungout in a kids RV the first time we actually talked, i don't remember much of that at all it was so long ago but i remember we became known to each other more than before.
Senior year came around and i had a class with this kid felton. If you knew felton you knew that he was crazy, in every way someone can be crazy. He had gotten to like kayli really fast and everyday he would come in class asking for advice. "Should i text her now or in an hour" "Should i invite her over tonight even tho she said she was feeling sick" "do you think she talks to anyone else?" "could you ask one of her friends if she likes me but don't make it obvious" Long story short they ended up seeing each other and we graduated high school WOOO. aside that it was time for me to get a job. I got hired as a nanny and shortly after that, when i say shortly i mean a week, i got hired as a hostess at a restaurant called rg brewskis. There were two hostess already, one of them being erin that I've known and always have hungout with in the past more than i can count. The second one being the beautiful kayli. Kayli ended up being the one to train me. We have grown super close and have had crazy adventures that will probably be randomly brought up through out the blog.
But this is more of me just expressing my feelings and talking to her through text.
Miss you so much kayli♡ ill be writing to you soon
This past year i have found my group of people to consider my "best friends". It was haley, kayli, becca. They are my girls who are down for anything, and they always supported me and gave me the best advice and i was myself around them. Plus they're almost the only group of girls that think I'm hilarious. This past week, on the 19th, one of them passed away. I have never lost anyone before so this is all new feelings for me. Kayli was the most amazing girl you could know. She loved to smoke, and if she was in any other state she would've been prescribed it for anxiety, to eat, sleep ect. She was always positive to everyone and just had the prettiest fucking face that you could ever see on someone. She had perfect brown hair that would always be pretty, either in a bun or pinned back. And her make up was always on sight, everyone was obsessed with her eye wings and i don't blame them, they were perfect lol. She was super tiny and was like a baby when around bigger guys. Ive known kayli since my freshman year in high school and I've always unknowly looked up to her. She had light light pink lips and i never found out if thats just how they were of if she used something, idk ill never know, but i went out to the mac makeup store and ended up buying the same color pink in lipstick form.
God forbid i hated it on me and she could pull it off so much better but i carry that memory with me now. We hungout in a kids RV the first time we actually talked, i don't remember much of that at all it was so long ago but i remember we became known to each other more than before.
Senior year came around and i had a class with this kid felton. If you knew felton you knew that he was crazy, in every way someone can be crazy. He had gotten to like kayli really fast and everyday he would come in class asking for advice. "Should i text her now or in an hour" "Should i invite her over tonight even tho she said she was feeling sick" "do you think she talks to anyone else?" "could you ask one of her friends if she likes me but don't make it obvious" Long story short they ended up seeing each other and we graduated high school WOOO. aside that it was time for me to get a job. I got hired as a nanny and shortly after that, when i say shortly i mean a week, i got hired as a hostess at a restaurant called rg brewskis. There were two hostess already, one of them being erin that I've known and always have hungout with in the past more than i can count. The second one being the beautiful kayli. Kayli ended up being the one to train me. We have grown super close and have had crazy adventures that will probably be randomly brought up through out the blog.
But this is more of me just expressing my feelings and talking to her through text.
 |
| first time together outside of school |
 |
| working at brewskis |
Miss you so much kayli♡ ill be writing to you soon
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